


A Change of Heart

by flyingtortoisetoes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Meteorstuck, Not Canon Compliant, Past Character Death, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Trollian (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25617472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingtortoisetoes/pseuds/flyingtortoisetoes
Summary: TT: Isn't it possible you have some sort of feelings for him?TT: Romantic feelings, maybe?TG: lalonde are you nutsTG: you must be out of your damn mindTG: if you are seriously suggesting that im gayTG: and that i have gay romantic feelings for karkat fucking vantas
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 76





	1. a dumb kid in dumb magic pajamas who got his ass handed to him by the entire universe

**Author's Note:**

> just a lil davekat fic i decided to write kind of on a whim, but what else is new
> 
> hopefully it won't end up being more than 4 chapters but i guess we'll see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in other news, ive begun working (struggling) on a fic (not this one lol) that should be pretty long, so im hoping i actually stick with it for once in my life because i like the idea i had for it a lot.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:15 --

GC: D4V3  
GC: ...  
GC: H3LLO???  
GC: CAN W3 T4LK?  
GC: >:|  
GC: LOOK, 1 JUST W4NT TO T4LK, OK?  
GC: M3SS4G3 M3 WH3N YOU C4N, 1 GU3SS  
GC: OR WH3N3V3R YOU W4NT TO  
GC: 1F YOU 3V3N W4NT TO  
GC: JUST  
GC: L3T ME KNOW OK?? >:[

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:38 --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:26 --

TT: You know, as much as I'd love to leap headfirst into the psychologically riveting and admittedly pretty pathetic shitshow that is your romantic life, I think that's going to have to wait for now.  
TT: I have it within me to be rather patient, David, as I'm sure you are aware.  
TT: But the blind Pyrope girl has just about driven me up the wall with her depressive, self-reproachful repining.  
TT: She seems to feel quite sorry for how she has been behaving, both towards you and Karkat.  
TT: She also seems to think that you'll listen to me, and at long last, she claimed she would leave me alone if only I informed you that she wishes to speak with you.  
TT: That is all.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:34--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:02 --

TG: yo rose  
TG: i am just not interested ok  
TG: like in the nicest way possible  
TG: i dont hate terezi or anything like shit shes cool as fuck ya know  
TG: but id just rather not stress myself out by talking to her rn  
TG: weve got more important things to worry about

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:05 --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 13:07 --

TT: David.  
TT: What's going on?  
TT: You know you can talk to me, right?  
TG: rose i am so not in the mood for your freudian brain picking psychology horseshit it is unbelievable  
TG: just let it go  
TG: tell terezi ill catch up with her later or something alright  
TG: just  
TG: not right now  
TT: Ah.  
TG: ...  
TG: what  
TT: Not everything is a psychoanalysis with me, Dave.  
TT: I just want to make sure you're okay, don't you trust me?  
TG: uh  
TG: i mean yeah of course  
TT: So just tell me what's going on, you usually love attention like this.  
TT: When have you not made some sort of joke about how the females are mackin' on you nonstop?  
TT: Because that certainly seems to be the case as of late.  
TT: Nonstop mackin'.  
TG: jegus  
TT: This  
TT: ...  
TT: Hm.  
TG: what  
TG: ...  
TG: rose  
TG: yo  
TG: spit it out woman  
TT: This doesn't have anything to do with Karkat, does it?  
TG: wtf  
TG: of course it has something to do with karkat  
TG: terezi was his girl too at one point  
TG: sort of  
TG: and the juggalo  
TG: wasnt he in like the best troll bros romance quadrant or something with the juggalo  
TT: That isn't what I meant, Dave.  
TG: huh  
TG: what else could you mean  
TT: What I mean is,  
TT: Well...  
TT: Isn't it possible you have some sort of feelings for him?  
TG: ...  
TT: Romantic feelings maybe?  
TG: the fuck  
TG: lalonde are you nuts  
TG: oh god youve finally lost it havent you  
TG: you must be out of your damn mind  
TG: if you are seriously suggesting that im gay  
TG: or that i have gay feelings for karkat fucking vantas  
TG: just shove off and stay out of it  
TG: and tell terezi the same thing  
  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:56 --

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:05 --

GC: D4V3  
GC: 1 KNOW YOUR3 ONL1N3 D4V3  
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR R3D T3XT YOU KNOW TH4T R1GHT??  
GC: >:|  
TG: god dammit terezi  
TG: what do you want im kind of busy  
TG: and you should be too  
TG: dont you think karkat would blow a fuse if he found out that instead of preparing for our impending doom slash failure youre messaging every poor fucker on this rock trying to get my attention  
TG: anyways shouldnt you be hatesnogging your juggalo lover or something  
TG: if i havent already made it abundantly clear i want nothing to do with you in a relationship sense  
GC: >:[  
GC: WH3N D1D YOU B3COM3 SO M34N??  
GC: 1 ONLY W4NT3D TO T3LL YOU 1M SORRY 4ND TH4T 1 N3V3R M34NT TO HURT YOU OR PL4Y W1TH YOUR F33L1NGS  
TG: sigh  
TG: terezi look  
TG: its all good its fine really  
TG: im over it  
TG: actually ive been over it for a while now like i want absolutely nothing to do with your fucked up trollmance shit  
GC: >:/  
GC: UH  
GC: TH4TS 4 L1TTL3 B1T X3NOPHOB1C DONT YOU TH1NK??  
TG: yeah ok youre right sorry that was sort of insensitive on my part  
TG: but do you get what im saying  
GC: Y34H BUT 1M NOT 3V3N TRY1NG TO G3T B4CK TOG3TH3R W1TH YOU  
GC: 1 JUST D1DNT L1K3 HOW W3 L3FT TH1NGS 4ND 1 DONT W4NT 4NY B4D BLOOD B3TW33N US YOU KNOW??  
GC: 1TS L1K3 YOU S41D  
GC: W3 SHOULD B3 PR3P4R1NG FOR OUR IMP3ND1NG DOOM/F41LUR3 NOT FUCK1NG 4ROUND LOOK1NG FOR R3L4T1ONSH1PS  
GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S 1 JUST W4NT3D TO L3T YOU KNOW THAT 1M SORRY AND 1 UND3RST4ND 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO B3 B3ST FR13NDS OR WH4T3V3R. TH4TS TOT4LLY F1N3  
TG: ...  
TG: shit  
TG: youre right im an idiot  
TG: terezi im sorry i dont know why ive been such a douchebag lately  
GC: HM...  
GC: 1TS OK4Y D4V3 1 FORG1V3 YOU >:]  
GC: W3LL 1 H4V3 TO GO BUT S4Y H1 TO K4RK4T FOR M3 Y34H?? >;]

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:37 --

TG: what  
TG: terezi  
TG: hey  
TG: what the fuck is that supposed to mean  
TG: terezi  
TG: god dammit

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 14:40 --

You pinch the bridge of your nose and shut your eyes, beginning to feel the telltale signs of a headache. God, Terezi could be so difficult to talk to sometimes.

Maybe it was after you realized that your relationship was doomed from the start. Or maybe it was after you broke things off with her because of the whole sneaking around with the hateboyfriend thing she had going with the juggalo. 

You still don't really like the idea of quadrants, but you've had plenty of time to think about romance while trapped on this godforsaken rock, so you think you understand them a little bit more now than you did before, and you guess maybe all that thinking about romance was when it began.

You can't say for certain when it was. Hell, maybe it was after the fucking dick ouija. Wouldn't that be a hoot and a holler?

But no. All you're (painfully) aware of, is that at some point, you realized how intriguing Karkat Vantas really is.

Well, _intriguing_ is kind of a vague word. It could mean anything. But you guess that _vague_ is a pretty good way to describe how you feel towards Karkat.

Of course, you haven't always struggled with these frustrating feelings of ambiguity and vacillation. At the beginning it was pretty easy. He was just tiny, crabby Karkat Vantas; annoying, but overall insignificant to your life. Whenever you were forced to interact with him, you'd make a few ironically unfunny quips at his expense and call it a day, but frustratingly enough, as time passed it got harder and harder to stir up any sort of genuine animosity towards him.

If you're going to be honest, you're not even sure what you find so charming about him in the first place. After all, he's Karkat Vantas. He's loud, petulant, and downright childish at times. Sure, he has his moments of empathy and sensitivity, but overall he's an intolerable windbag. The dude talks nonstop, and the majority of what comes out of his mouth is just the most absurd, unintelligible combination of swearing and bullshit metaphors that that even you sometimes have difficulty deciphering.

In retrospect, you're glad for all the trivial little squabbles. Without them, you don't think you'd ever have been able to look at Karkat the way you look at him now. Jesus, when'd you become so goddamn corny? You guess it's partly due to the endless shitty romcoms you've had to endure and partly due to the fact that you are absolutely, undeniably head over heels _retarded_ for Karkat.

You cringe. Yeesh, even just admitting that to yourself in the privacy of your own mind is enough to fill you with nerve-wracking anxiety and make you want to blow chunks.

Briefly, you wish that you could find it within yourself to end your unbothered coolkid facade and open up to somebody— _anybody_ —but you know that’s unlikely. Your bro hammered it into you pretty securely that nobody gives a shit about how you feel. No one wants to hear it, and to assume anything otherwise makes you weak. And Striders aren't weak.

You suddenly want to cry. Your throat tightens up and starts to burn in that dry, uncomfortable way that makes it obvious to you that you’re holding back waves of pent up emotion.

There's nothing you want more right now than to give up. To curl into a ball and just give up.

And _damn_ , do you want to cry. (When's the last time you've cried?) For your friends, for Earth... you even want to cry for the trolls. As tiresome as they are, they've gone through just as much endless heartache and horror as you and your friends have, if not more.

You also want to cry for yourself. You want to cry for all the painful shit you’ve endured, for the beatdowns you got from your bro before you even touched this piece of shit game, and for the beatdowns you got from what's got to be the entire universe once you actually got in the game.

Thinking about SBURB makes your head _pound_. 

Jesus, how many timelines even are there? How many did you fuck up? And how many suffered fates far worse than the few doomed ones you've seen?

Oh, God. How many alternate Daves are out there, fighting for survival somewhere? How many are dead? How many are alive and still suffering? Or even worse, alive and headed unknowingly towards certain, impending doom?

How many were faced with horrible, brutal deaths more painful than you can ever imagine, all because the universe has got it out for you, and because you had to screw around with time?

And that’s just it, isn’t it? You just _had_ to screw around with time, no sarcasm intended. 

You really did have to fuck around with all that time shit in order to get where you're sitting now. Granted, you're currently sitting on a big fucking rock with your kinda-sorta-biological sister and a bunch of aliens, zooming through space towards almost certain death. But hey, things could be worse, right?

The word _martyr_ comes to mind, but you quickly shake off that thought. You’re no martyr. You’re nothing. You’re just a dumb kid in dumb magic pajamas who got his ass handed to him by the entire universe. 

You feel sick. You want to puke, and you still want to cry, but you don’t do either of those things. Instead, you swallow the lump in your throat and focus on your breathing until the nauseating wave of self-pity subsides, which it eventually does.

“-ave?” Your intercom crackles with a sudden unexpected loudness that makes you jump. Christ.

”Hey, fuckass, are you even listening to me?” The voice coming from the speaker is distorted by static, but it is unmistakably Karkat’s. “-this thing even on?”

You hear some garbled laughs coming from the speaker and you can’t help the small grin that quirks at the corners of your lips before pushing the intercom button and responding. 

”Sup, Vantas?”

”Oh, good. You _can_ hear me. Glad to know you haven’t gone deaf since we last saw you, which was… oh, let’s see. When would that be? A few days now? Yeah, that seems about right. Although anyone who’s had the extreme displeasure of having to hear your rapping _has_ to wonder if maybe you are a little de-”

You can’t stop yourself from laughing a little bit. The guy could get riled up so easily. You feel like most of the time you don’t even need to do anything to get him worked up like this. He does it to himself.

”Alright, I’m gonna have to cut you off right there. You have no idea what you’re talking about, dude. Clearly you have no comprehension of what real art is,” you tell him from over the intercom, raising an eyebrow.

The intercom crackles to life again and you hear him grumble something incoherent before he lets out a heavy, drawn out sigh.

”Yeah, okay. What-the-fuck-ever. I hate you, I hate you forever and ever, blah blah blah. Yada yada yada. Fuck. Okay? Now that we’ve gotten the pleasantries out of the way, why don't you go ahead and haul that bony ass of yours to the lab? Literally everyone is here, we're just waiting on you, assbreath."

”Uh, yeah. I dunno about that,” you say, “I’m not really into the whole hatemance thing, dude... sorry. Besides, you’re coming on kinda strong anyways, don’t you think?” You bite your tongue to keep from laughing out loud until you take your finger off the intercom button. This is gonna be good.

You aren’t disappointed, and what you’ve come to refer to as Karkat’s 'tantrum voice' floods through the speakers almost immediately.

”Hey, fuck you, Strider. A thousand times fuck you in the most painful, non-erotic, metaphorical way possible. My loathing for you could not possibly get more platonic. Just get the fuck over here right now, you dense, bulgemunching pile of the most putrid, festering shit imaginable!”

The intercom clicks off, and you practically fall out of your chair, bursting into laughter. Karkat’s insults just got better and better. His voice had progressively risen in volume with that last one, and the many rage-fueled voice cracks scattered throughout didn’t do much to help his case.

You pick yourself up off the floor, still grinning like an idiot, and decide you should probably head down to the lab like Karkat had wanted.

At the same time, a tiny part of you is holding on to what Karkat had said, and your grin begins to fade.

_My loathing for you could not possibly get more platonic._

Man, you really fucked up with this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have really got to stop uploading shit this late at night  
> but hey, at least its only midnight this time


	2. and all of a sudden the cool straight dude realizes maybe hes not so straight after all

You honestly aren't sure what to expect when you transportalize to the lab. Sure, you figure Rose, Kanaya, maybe even Terezi will be there, but beyond that, you're stumped. 

With a loud _wooooosshh,_ and the slightly sickening sensation of your stomach twisting and lurching that has become all too familiar, you find yourself standing on the transportalizer in the lab. Your entrance is greeted with dead silence, and nobody seems to really be looking each other in the eye. Whatever situation prompted Karkat to call you in the first place must be more serious than you thought. 

In regards to Rose and Kanaya's presence, you were right, no shocker there, of course. The two of them are standing off to the side, pretty close together. Anyone else might have missed the way their hands just barely brush together, but you've always been able to pick up on that sort of thing, not to mention you've got some pretty wicked observation skills. Despite your ever present shades, you catch Rose's eye and raise your eyebrows well enough above your shades so that she notices. Your mouth twitches in what could almost be a smile when she immediately narrows her eyes and pulls a face, as if daring you to say something about it.

Terezi is there too, which, okay. You did assume she'd be, but that doesn't mean you can't still tense up a little when you lock eyes with her. Not that she can even see you, but she's just so eerily _aware,_ and if you're gonna be honest, it freaks you out a little. So when she visibly sniffs the air and returns your gaze, you can't help but look away, trying to ignore the slight shiver that goes down your spine when your eyes meet. You want to be surprised that Terezi showed up, but you're sure that Karkat, being the genuinely good guy he is, probably wanted her here just as much as he wanted the rest of you.

You lean against one of the computer desks and raise your eyebrows again when you see the Mayor sitting on the floor not too far from where you're standing. Shit, Karkat was right. Everyone _is_ here. Well... everyone with the exception of the juggalo, but you're gonna go out on a limb here and just assume that he's not really part of the team anymore. 

At the front of the room, Karkat clears his throat the way a teacher might when they're trying to silence an unruly class. Really, the action was pretty ridiculous and unnecessary because no one was talking anyways, but you let it slide this time, your curiosity for what he has to say exceeding what has become your knee-jerk reaction to tease Karkat whenever he does anything dumb. 

"So glad you could make it," Karkat says coolly, although you can tell he's not mad. "Now that you're here, maybe we can actually talk about what needs talking about." He pauses to take a breath, which you know he doesn't actually need. You once saw him rant to Kanaya for ten minutes straight without stopping a single time, and when you left and came back seventeen minutes later, he was still talking. 

Nobody makes a move to say anything, so he continues, "As I'm sure you're all aware, it's been two preposterously long, agonizing years, and we've only got one left to prepare to reach whatever bullshit session we've been hurtling towards for the last 800 days. Not that I've been counting." He grimaces. "Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I think we should have some sort of fucking plan by now. I mean, unless you want to just sit on your asses and wallow in self-pity like we've been doing this whole time, but what good does it do to just slosh around in our own wretched contemplation, wondering what we could have done differently? We've got to keep our morale up! We need to stay optimistic! Looking forward is the only sensible thing to do, right? So what if the only thing forward is almost certain, inescapable doom? We should still have hope!" He spits out the last part before stopping, eyes wide with what you can only describe as bitterness. 

A frown tugs at the corners of your mouth ever so slightly before you quickly regain control of your expression and return to your usual deadpan. What Karkat was saying had seemed oddly personal. Not to say that the rest of you hadn't dealt with some pretty fucked up shit, of course. It's just that Karkat is a pretty sensitive guy, especially when it comes to himself, and as much as he cares about the wellbeing of others, you know he's more scared than he lets on.

Admittedly you don't know a whole lot about his past or anything else about him, really, but now, more than ever, it's clear to you that he's been through some seriously terrible stuff throughout his lifetime.

You open your mouth to say something helpful. You want to tell him it'll be okay. To tell him that the five of you will figure something out, or maybe even to remind him that you still have John and Jade, who you'll meet up with in the new session. Most of all, you think you want to tell him that you understand, and that you're there for him. That you always have been and you always will be.

But clearly, your mouth has other plans. 

"Dude. Chill. You know a year is still a lot of time, right?"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

You know that was the wrong thing to say even before Karkat fixes you with a withering glare. He pulls his lips back in a snarl that exposes his teeth, which are nowhere near as sharp and deadly looking as his troll counterparts', but you can tell from here that they could still do some pretty serious damage.

"Right," he says, and you flinch. Not from the evident anger weighing down his tone, but from the unexpected shortness of his response. You're used to pushing Karkat and having him push back, usually with a lengthy, vulgar rant of some kind, so to have him respond to you with such cold brevity feels almost like a slap in the face, and there isn't much you can do except watch him turn and storm off.

You risk a glance in the direction of the others, and Rose looks like she's about to say something. Right now, there's nothing you want less than to hear any sort of lecture or sympathy that she's no doubt getting ready to offer, so you quickly look away and hurry to transportalize back to your room, where you flop facedown on your bed. 

"Fuck," you say out loud, knowing nobody can hear you. You are one miserable sack of fuck-up and shithead, combined to make the ultimate pathetic loser. That being you, Dave Strider. You're the pathetic loser.

Your phone vibrates, and you tear it out of your pocket to see who's messaging you. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:30 --  


TT: Dave.  
TT: I don't want you to take this wrong way, as I am perfectly content giving you the benefit of the doubt and because I'm sure that you didn't mean to discredit Karkat.  
TT: But don't you think you should try to talk to him?  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:30--  


Yeah, fuck that. You absconded like a pussy to escape Rose's prattling, not to invite it.

And yet... at the same time, you feel like maybe she has a point. Obviously, you aren't going to immediately slide into Karkat's weird trollchum or whatever it's called. That would be utterly and embarrassingly classless, even for you. So maybe... maybe there was someone else who could help you. As much as it pains you to admit it, you don't want to fuck things up permanently with Karkat, and you can only think of one other person on this meteor, the Mayor withstanding, who won't give you some sort of shit for it. Well, maybe she'd give you shit for it, but she certainly isn't the type to take it into her own hands and make you look like a total tool.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 15:33 --  


TG: alright look  
TG: i really REALLY dont like doing this shit so do me a favor and dont interrupt me until im done ok  
TG: shit sorry that was rude  
TG: uh fuck  
TG: what i mean is just dont be a bitch about this  
TG: please  
GC: WH4T C4N 1 H3LP YOU W1TH  
TG: god dammit terezi whatd i just say  
GC: WOW  
TG: ok fine  
TG: whatever  
TG: interrupt all you want i guess  
TG: just let me say something first  
TG: so lets say theres this dude and hes a really cool dude  
TG: all used to being cool and in control of his feelings and actions and knowing what to say and when to say it and shit  
TG: and this dude is totally into chicks right  
TG: because its pretty much all hes ever known and because not liking chicks is  
TG: well  
TG: is kind of gay  
TG: which this cool dude is not  
TG: or at least he always just kinda assumed he likes chicks because like i said its all he knows  
TG: and its gay not to  
TG: anyways lets say this cool straight dude meets this other dude who is also sort of cool in his own way i guess  
TG: but this other dude fuckin hates the cool straight dude  
TG: and not in the kinky troll way  
TG: so this other dude hates the cool straight dude right  
TG: and the cool straight dude isnt really feeling the other dude either like they just are not hitting it off  
TG: but then the cool straight is like "oh shit this other dude is kind of really fucking funny"  
TG: and then hes like "oh god damn not only is this other dude kind of really fucking funny but hes also sort of cute in a totally straight non-gay type of way"  
TG: so like too bad the other dude hates the cool straight dudes guts right?  
TG: right  
TG: but THEN the cool straight dude starts thinking a whole lot about the other dude  
TG: and all of a sudden the cool straight dude realizes  
TG: maybe hes not so straight after all  
GC: ...  
TG: of course hes still cool as anyone can be  
GC: >:/  
TG: i mean hes still a cool as fuck dude  
GC: D4V3  
TG: just maybe minus the straight part  
GC: D4V3  
TG: or at least a little less straight than he thought  
GC: >:[  
TG: so anyways back to what i was saying  
GC: D4V3!! >:0  
TG: yo  
GC: JUST T4LK TO H1M  
TG: howd you know  
GC: YOU KNOW D3SP1T3 4LL YOUR COOLK1D 4TTR1BUT3S YOU R34LLY 4R3 DUMB  
GC: 3V3RYON3 C4N T3LL YOU L1K3 H1M  
GC: YOUR3 NOT TH4T GR34T 4T PL4Y1NG OFF F33L1NGS L1KE TH4T  
GC: 1 SHOULD KNOW  
TG: wait  
TG: so  
TG: ...  
TG: everyone  
TG: ...everyone knows  
GC: >:/  
TG: you mean everyone as in everyone everyone  
GC: Y3S D4V3  
TG: even  
TG: him?  
GC: NO K4RK4T 1S PR3TTY S1M1L4R TO YOU 1N TH4T W4Y HON3STLY, 1 DOUBT H3 H4S 4NY 1D34  
GC: FOR 4LL TH3 T1M3S H3S H3LP3D US TROLLS OUT W1TH OUR ROM4NC3 DR4M4 4ND 4LL THOS3 ROM4NC3 MOV13S H3 CR13S H1MS3LF TO SL33P OV3R, H3 DO3SNT KNOW J4CK SH1T 4BOUT ROM4NC3 1N H1S OWN L1F3  
GC: H3S 4N 1D1OT >:P  
TG: ok so what youre saying is  
TG:...  
TG: what are you saying  
GC: LOL  
GC: 1M S4Y1NG YOU SHOULD T4LK TO H1M, DUMMY!!  
GC: YOU N3V3R KNOW, H3 M1GHT L1K3 YOU B4CK  
TG: why are you telling me this  
TG: what could you possibly get out of me talking to karkat  
TG: unless you just want me to look like a total dickwad  
TG: or this is some sort of jedi mind trick where you making me talk to karkat would result in you somehow getting the guy  
TG: the guy being either me or karkat  
TG: in which case id be pretty pissed  
TG: not cool terezi  
TG: not cool  
GC: TH1S 1SNT 4BOUT M3 D4V3  
GC: 1TS 4BOUT YOU  
GC: 1 H4D MY CH4NC3  
GC: W1TH BOTH YOU 4ND K4RK4T  
GC: 4ND 1 BL3W 1T BOTH T1M3S  
GC: YOU 4R3 BOTH GR34T GUYS WHO D3S3RV3 MOR3 TH4N WH4T 1 G4V3 31TH3R OF YOU  
GC: YOU D3S3RV3 34CH OTHER  
GC: 1 M34N TH4T 1N TH3 MOST S1NC3R3 W4Y POSS1BL3 OF COURS3  
GC: 4LSO 1 TH1NK TH3 TWO OF YOU WOULD B3 R34LLY CUT3 TOG3TH3R >:P  
TG: ...  
TG: thanks terezi  
GC: 4NYT1ME  
TG: hey did you really mean that  
GC: M34N WH4T  
TG: the part about me and karkat being cute together  
GC: TOT4LLY  
TG: haha nice  
TG: thanks  
GC: Y3P  
TG: oh and by the way  
TG: im sorry about being a jerk earlier  
TG: i hope you know i didnt mean it  
TG: youre pretty cool and i like being friends with you  
TG: er... shit  
TG: i mean if you want to be friends again that is  
GC: 1TS OK4Y D4V3 1 FORG1V3 YOU  
GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK YOUR3 PR3TTY COOL TOO  
TG: so... friends?  
GC: FR13NDS >:]  
TG: nice  
TG: well ive got a short grouchy troll to go romance  
TG: ill catch you later  
GC: L4T3R COOLK1D  
TG: haha  
TG: later dude  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 16:10--  


You take a deep breath and shut off your phone, pocketing it. You can do this, right? You talk to Karkat all the time without breaking a sweat, no big deal.

Except this time it is a big deal, and you know it. You swallow, your throat suddenly dry, and wonder if you should pester him first or just go knock on his door. You weigh the options for a moment before deciding that while pestering him might be the more polite thing to do, it gives him the opportunity to just blatantly ignore you. Going straight to his room, on the other hand, is more direct. More personal. And he's less likely to turn you away if you're right there outside his door. Besides, you think with a small grin, even if he does ignore you, you could always just stand outside being obnoxious until he hears you out.

You take a deep breath and step onto your transportalizer.

You've got a short grouchy troll to go romance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly it's embarrassing how long it took me to write this chapter. for the life of me, I just could not come up with a single way to write it. I knew what I wanted from it, and I had the gist of it all figured out in my head, but for some reason every time I sat down to work on it, I would hate it and end up deleting the *entire* thing, which... like I said, embarrassing. 
> 
> anywho, ive already started work on the next chapter, and if things go as planned, its gonna be pretty long and hopefully it'll wrap up this short lil fic of mine.


	3. EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A NOOKWHIFFING ASSHOLE AND I ALWAYS PREACH AGAINST INTERSPECIES ROMANCE, I HAVE SOME KIND OF WEIRD FUCKED UP CRUSH ON YOU. WANNA GO OUT?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok sorry this took so god damn long holy shit i feel genuinely bad. school has just been kicking my ass & by that i mean i don’t really do shit so it’s my own fault.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

  
GA: Karkat Are You Alright  
GA: I Hope Im Not Coming Off As Too Meddlesome As I Am Fully Aware That Is How Some Of Our Friends View Me  
GA: Um  
GA: Viewed Me I Guess I Should Say  
GA: Wow That Makes Me Rather Depressed  
GA: What Im Trying To Say Is That Speech You Gave Just Now Seemed A Little Bit Personal And No Offense But It Was Kind Of Obvious That You Are Upset About Something  
GA: Im Your Friend And Im Worried About You I Just Want To Know If Youre Okay  
GA: Karkat Please Talk To Me  
CG: I'M FINE.  
CG: I'M GREAT, ACTUALLY.  
CG: WE'RE DOING FANFUCKINGTASTIC OVER HERE IN KARKAT LAND.  
CG: OH SORRY, DID I SAY KARKAT LAND?  
CG: I MEANT PATHETICALLY USELESS AND MORONIC LOAD GAPER FULL OF THE MOST VILE, REEKING SHIT YOU CAN IMAGINE.  
CG: BECAUSE APPARENTLY, THAT IS ALL THAT EVER COMES OUT OF MY CHAGRIN TUNNEL.  
CG: VILE, REEKING SHIT.  
GA: So  
GA: Youre Not Fine Then  
CG: WHAT????  
CG: KANAYA, WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YOU TO SUCH A CONCLUSION?  
CG: I HAVE GONE SUCH LENGTHS TO PROVE JUST HOW "FINE" I AM.  
CG: I AM SO FINE, IN FACT, THAT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW EVERYONE WE FUCKING KNOW IS DEAD.  
CG: OR ABOUT HOW MY RETARD BEST FRIEND IS LITERALLY NOTHING MORE THAN A PSYCHOPATHIC FUCKING MURDEROUS RETARD ON SOME BULLSHIT RELIGIOUS RAMPAGE.  
CG: AND HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?  
CG: I’M GLAD SOLLUX IS BASICALLY THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE TO EVER BECOME SOME BULLSHIT HALF GHOST.  
CG: OH YEAH, AND STRIDER. IT’S PRETTY EASY TO FORGET ABOUT HIM, AM I RIGHT? I MEAN, HE’S AN ARROGANT NOOKSNIFFER AND CLEARLY ONLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HIMSELF, BUT IT’S NOT LIKE I CARE.  
CG: HAHAHAH IT’S FUNNY. DON’T YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY AND IRONIC? HAHAHA, IRONY. THAT’S STRIDER’S THING, ISN’T IT? DUMBASS IRONY THAT ISN’T EVEN FUNNY AND SERVES NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO HIDE EMOTIONS?  
GA: Ok  
GA: That Was Poorly Concealed Scorn  
GA: You Know Ive Gotten Much Better At Discerning And Decoding Sarcasm Right  
GA: Also That Was A Bit Rude But Consider My Feelings Unhurt This Once Because Like I Said Im Your Friend And Im Worried About You  
GA: But If You Dont Want To Talk That Is Perfectly Fine And I Understand  
GA: Sorry I Wasted Your Time  
CG: KANAYA, WAIT.  
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M AN IDIOT.  
GA: Karkat Do Us Both A Favor And Spare Me Your Self-Deprecating Moobeast Droppings  
GA: To Put It Frankly I Am Quite Sick Of It And I Know For Certain Everyone Else Is Too  
GA: You Are Nowhere Near As Idiotic As You Let Yourself Believe  
GA: All That Nonsense Aside I Do Want To Help You  
GA: So Tell Me Truthfully  
GA: Are You Alright  
CG: ..................  
GA: ?  
CG: ........................  
GA: Karkat Stop Being Childish  
GA: Its Embarrassing  
CG: OKAY, FINE!  
CG: ONLY SO YOU'LL HOP OFF MY BULGE, NO. I'M NOT FUCKING FINE.  
CG: MAYBE MY THINKPAN HAS BEEN FRIED TO A CRISP AND I'M JUST GOING SHITHIVE MAGGOTS FROM HAVING TO WITNESS ALL KINDS OF INSANITY, BUT I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE AND I KIND OF WANT TO DIE.  
CG: THERE, I SAID IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, KANAYA? HAS YOUR RIDICULOUS CRUSADE TO BE THE MOST OBNOXIOUS AND OVERBEARING TROLL TO EVER EXIST BEEN FULFILLED? I SURE FUCKING HOPE SO.  
CG: WELL?  
CG: I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE AN OPINION, AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING?  
GA: I Dont Know What To Say  
CG: OH.  
CG: SO I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, TOO.  
GA: What  
CG: YOU *ARE* WASTING MY TIME.  
CG: SEE YOU WHENEVER WE GET TO THE FUCKING NEW SESSION.  
CG: OR NOT, WHATEVER. IT'S NO SKIN OFF MY BACK WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENS NEXT.  
GA: Wait

  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: FUCK.  
CG: KANAYA, I’M SORRY.  
CG: YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE PISSED AT ME, AND IF YOU DON’T WANT TO FORGIVE ME, I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND.  
CG: I WOULDN’T BLAME YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST.  
CG: SHIT, I WOULDN’T FORGIVE ME EITHER.  
CG: NOT THAT I’VE EVER FORGIVEN MYSELF FOR ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE  
CG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
CG: I’M A REGULAR FUCKING IDIOT.  
CG: I MEAN, I’M STONE COLD GOD DAMN RETARDED, KANAYA.  
CG: WHO’S THAT OVER THERE, YOU ASK?  
CG: OH, THAT’S NO ONE IMPORTANT. IT’S JUST KARKAT VANTAS. AKA THE MOST GRUBFISTED, SPONGEDEAD BUFFOON TO EVER HATCH.  
GA: Karkat  
CG: KARKAT VANTAS, THINKPANLESS WONDER, EVERYBODY. DON’T WORRY EVERYBODY, HE’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.  
GA: Karkat  
CG: WHAT?  
GA: Youre Doing It Again  
CG: DOING WHAT?  
GA: The Self-Deprecating Bullshit  
GA: You Know  
GA: That Thing Which I Described Earlier As Embarrassing  
CG: FUCK  
CG: SORRY.  
GA: That Is Quite Alright  
GA: After All What Sort Of A Friend Would I Be If I Werent Able To Put Up With Nonsens Such As This  
CG: YOU’RE RIGHT. YOU’RE A GOOD FRIEND, KANAYA.  
GA: Im Pleased That You Think So  
GA: But This Isn’t About Me  
GA: Or Your Self Deprecatory Tendencies For That Matter  
GA: This Is About You  
GA: So Is There Anything Youd Like To Talk About  
CG: UGH.... I DON’T KNOW, KANAYA. I’M JUST SO FUCKING TIRED. I’M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT GAME. I’M TIRED OF BEING THE BULLSHIT LEADER AND TRYING TO KEEP EVERYONE MOTIVATED.  
CG: HONESTLY AT THIS POINT I DO ALL MY DUMBASS SPEECHES MOSTLY FOR MYSELF.  
CG: IT TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG TO REALIZE THAT IT’S *ME* THAT NEEDS MOTIVATING, NOT ANY OF YOU.  
CG: I’M NOT FIT TO LEAD ANYBODY. I MEAN, I CAN BARELY EVEN LEAD MYSELF, SO HOW COULD I POSSIBLY LET MYSELF EVEN THINK OTHERWISE?  
CG: BEING LEADER OF ANYTHING WAS JUST A STUPID DAYDREAM THAT I TOOK TOO FAR.  
CG: YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WISH NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED AND WE WERE ALL STILL ON ALTERNIA.  
CG: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? TO WANT TO BE BACK ON THAT SHITHOLE PLANET, WITH THAT BULLSHIT CASTE SYSTEM THAT LITERALLY CONTROLLED EVERY SECOND OF OUR LIVES.  
CG: I REALLY WOULD RATHER WAIT TO GET CULLED BECAUSE OF MY GROSS BLOOD COLOR THAN PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME.  
GA: But What About The Good Things That Have Come From It  
CG: GOOD THINGS?  
CG: MY BEST FRIEND WENT FROM BEING SOME ASSHOLE WHO WAS AN IMBECILE, BUT STILL HARMLESS AND LOVABLE, TO BEING A COMPLETELY DERANGED NIGHTMARE CLOWN WITH A CRAZY VENDETTA AGAINST BASICALLY EVERY OTHER TROLL BESIDES HIM.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION I’LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE MY OTHER DOUCHEBAG BEST FRIEND EVER AGAIN BECAUSE HE DECIDED TO STAY BEHIND WITH ARADIA. AND I DON’T BLAME HIM AFTER ALL THAT HORRIBLE SHIT HE WENT THROUGH, BUT I STILL MISS HIM. I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH.  
CG: AND ALL OUR OTHER FRIENDS. YEAH, MOST OF THEM WERE INTOLERABLE TOOLS THAT WERE BASICALLY THE MOST ANNOYING IDIOTS TO EVER EXIST, BUT THEY WERE STILL OUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?  
CG: AND THEY’RE ALL FUCKING DEAD.  
CG: IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. I’M NO HELP. I’VE BEEN NO HELP THIS ENTIRE TIME. ALL I’VE DONE IS FLING MY METAPHORICAL SHIT AROUND LIKE AN EARTH PRIMATE THAT HASN’T YET EVOLVED.  
GA: I Doubt We Would Have Gotten This Far Without You  
GA: Youre Right Our Friends Were Largely Insufferable But They Were Still Our Friends  
GA: And Because They Were Our Friends They All Cared About You Even If Some Of Them Had The Emotional Capacity Of A Rock And Even Less Of An Ability To Show Anything Slightly Resembling Affection  
GA: Oops I Seem To Be Rambling But That Isnt The Point The Point Is We Dont Just Care About You We Respect You  
GA: As A Troll And A Leader  
CG: THANKS, KANAYA.  
CG: THAT MEANS A LOT, REALLY.  
CG: BUT.... NOT EVERYONE DOES.  
GA: What Ever Do You Mean  
GA: We All Do  
CG: STRIDER DOESN’T.  
GA: ?  
GA: Doesnt Respect You Or Doesnt Care About You  
CG: DOES IT EVEN MATTER?  
GA: Okay Fine Can I Ask A Different Question  
CG: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.  
GA: Why Do You Even Care  
CG: HUH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
GA: I Apologize In Advance If I Am At All Prying But Ive Never Seen You Get Along With Dave  
GA: In Fact There Have Even Be A Few Physical Altercations If I Am Remembering Correctly  
GA: Youve Been Rather Vocal About Your Dislike For Him  
GA: If You Were Anyone Else I Would Assume You Were Pitch For Strider But Theres Something Off About That  
GA: I Dont Think You Hate Him As Much As You Claim To  
GA: Platonic Or Otherwise  
GA: So Why The Sudden Interest In What He Thinks Of You  
CG: WOW, KANAYA. AND HERE I WAS THINKING I WAS THE EXPERT. WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO INTERESTED IN OTHER TROLLS’ QUADRANT WOES?  
GA: Karkat  
CG: OKAY FINE. YOU’RE RIGHT, KIND OF.  
CG: I DON’T NECESSARILY *HATE* STRIDER. BUT YES, I DO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.  
CG: THEY’RE DEFINITELY NOT PALE FEELINGS, I KNOW THAT MUCH, BUT IT’S STILL SO CONFUSING.  
CG: LIKE I SAID, I’M NOT PITCH FOR HIM, BUT I DON’T NECESSARILY THINK IT’S A FLUSHED CRUSH EITHER.  
CG: I LIKE HIM, I DO. I REALLY FUCKING LIKE HIM, AND I GUESS THAT’S WHY I GIVE TOO MANY SHITS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE CARES ABOUT ME.  
CG: THAT BEING SAID, HE’S PROBABLY THE MOST UNREASONABLE PRICK I HAVE EVER MET AND HE FILLS ME WITH UNWARRANTED AMOUNTS OF RAGE SOMETIMES.  
CG: IT’S SO FRUSTRATING!  
CG: I CAN’T TELL IF I’M PITCH OR FLUSHED OR BOTH OR NEITHER!  
CG: BUT I MEAN, I GUESS THAT NONE OF THIS REALLY MATTERS ANYWAYS, SINCE STRIDER CLEARLY ISN’T EVEN HUMAN GAY ANYWAYS, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS.  
GA: I Dont Underestand  
GA: What Exactly Is It That Youre So Troubled By Concerning Strider And Whether Or Not He Is As You So Eloquently Put It  
GA: Human Gay  
CG: WHAT? SERIOUSLY?  
CG: YOU'RE THE ONE ACTUALLY DATING A HUMAN, ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HUMANS AND THEIR PRIMITIVE EARTH IDEAS OF HETERO VERSUS HOMOSEXUALITY?  
CG: I MEAN, ROSE IS A GIRL, RIGHT? AND SO ARE YOU. I THOUGHT THAT, UNDER EARTH STANDARDS, TWO GIRLS IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE CONSIDERED GAY.  
CG: DID YOU NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?  
CG: APPARENTLY IT'S SOME KIND OF A BIG DEAL IN HUMAN CULTURE, AND BY THAT I MEAN APPARENTLY LOTS OF HUMANS SEE IT AS SOME SORT OF SICKNESS.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh Dear  
GA: Um No I Am Well Aware Of The Human Term Homosexual And Its Complementary Meaning  
GA: I Figured The Romantic Ideologies Of The Humans Would Differ From Ours And So Upon First Meeting Rose And Garnering Interest In Her I Did Some  
GA: Uh  
GA: Extensive Research  
CG: OH, GOD. OKAY, YOU CAN STOP THERE, THANKS.  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU LOOKED AT, I'M GOOD. YOU CAN KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ALL THE HUMAN BREEDING METHODOLOGY YOU DEFILED YOUR GANDER BULBS WITH. NOT INTERESTED, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
GA: What  
GA: No  
GA: Not Porn I Didnt Watch Porn  
GA: Good God Karkat Get Your Thinkpan Out Of The Gutter  
GA: That Is Positively Disgusting And While I Am Not Opposed To The Idea Of Interspecies Pailing I Am Certainly Not As Promiscuous As You Are Currently Suggesting  
CG: I, UH, DIDN'T MEAN THAT.  
GA: This Is Beside The Point  
GA: You Never Answered My Question  
CG: DO I REALLY NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?  
CG: AS A SPECIES, HUMANS ARE PRIMARILY MONOGAMOUS, AND FOR THE MOST PART, HAVING MORE THAN ONE SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS FROWNED UPON.  
CG: THEY TYPICALLY ONLY DATE ONE OTHER PERSON, MEANING ONLY ONE OF THEIR QUADRANTS IS FILLED AT ANY GIVEN TIME.  
CG: ASSUMING, OF COURSE, HUMANS EVEN HAVE QUADRANTS, WHICH THEY DON'T.  
CG: I'M SURE YOU'RE ALREADY AWARE OF THIS, SEEING AS HOW YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A HUMAN, BUT THE "QUADRANT"  
CG: IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT THAT  
CG: THAT THEY MOST OFTEN FILL WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS THE FLUSHED QUADRANT, SINCE IT MOST RESEMBLES THEIR FEELINGS.  
CG: NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH STRIDER AND HIS ROMANTIC PREFERENCES?  
CG: I'LL TELL YOU.  
CG: ALTHOUGH, YES, THERE HAVE BEEN INSTANCES WHICH SHALL NOT BE SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED THAT HAVE CLOSELY RESEMBLED PITCH ADVANCES FROM STRIDER'S SIDE, HE HAS MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT HE HAS NO INTEREST IN BEGINNING A CALIGINOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE AT ANY TIME EVER.  
CG: THE IDEA SEEMS TO MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE, WHICH LEADS ME TO WONDER IF PERHAPS HE CAN'T HATE ANYBODY, AT LEAST IN A ROMANTIC SENSE.  
CG: SO KISMESISSITUDE ISN'T AN OPTION HERE.  
CG: AND AS I EXPLAINED EARLIER, MY FEELINGS ARE NOT PALE, SO THAT LEAVES US WITH TWO FINAL OPTIONS.  
CG: FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, NEITHER ONE OF US ARE ABLE TO AUSPICITIZE AT THE MOMENT, SO THAT LEAVES THE FLUSHED QUADRANT.  
CG: AND  
CG: I CAN'T ENTER THE FLUSHED QUADRANT WITH HIM IF HE DOESN'T LIKE BOYS.  
GA: Yes Thank You For The Academic Essay On The Pitfalls And Subsequent Frustrations Of Interspecies Romance  
GA: But Im Still Confused  
CG: STRIDER ISN'T GAY!  
GA: How Do You Know  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, I JUST DO. THE SAME WAY YOU KNEW ROSE WAS GAY, I GUESS.  
GA: But I Didnt  
CG: HUH?  
GA: I Had No Idea If She Harbored Any Romantic Inclinations Towards Me  
CG: SO HOW DID YOU FIND OUT THEN? I SAW YOUR TROLLIAN SOMETIMES. YOU TWO WERE ALWAYS FLIRTING. IT WAS GROSS, HONESTLY.  
GA: Im Going To Pretend I Didnt Read That Last Part  
GA: I Got Tired Of Not Knowing We Talked About It GA: I Think Thats What You Should Do  
CG: I CAN’T DO THAT, KANAYA.  
GA: Why Not  
CG: COME ON. YOU KNOW ME, YOU REALLY THINK I CAN JUST WALTZ UP TO STRIDER AND WOW HIM JUST LIKE THAT?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I EVEN SAY?  
CG: “HEY STRIDER, I THINK YOU’RE AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT WHO CLEARLY HAS SOME SERIOUS INTERNALIZED ISSUES, BUT I STILL THINK YOU’RE CUTE AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A NOOKWHIFFING ASSHOLE AND I ALWAYS PREACH AGAINST INTERSPECIES ROMANCE, I HAVE SOME KIND OF WEIRD FUCKED UP CRUSH ON YOU. WANNA GO OUT?”  
GA: Why Not  
CG: ....  
CG: SERIOUSLY.  
GA: That Was A Joke  
GA: Come Now Karkat Have A Little Faith  
CG: IN YOUR PAINFUL ATTEMPTS AT MAKING JOKES THAT GIVES ME SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT OR IN MY NOTORIOUS INABILITY TO HAVE GENUINE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT MY FUCKED UP FEELINGS?  
GA: Karkat Please  
GA: I Know Its Hard Trust Me I Was In Your Same Position  
GA: But I Believe In You  
GA: You Really Must Have A Little More Faith In Yourself You Arent As Prickly As You Let Yourself Think  
GA: Youre Endearing  
CG: KANAYA.  
GA: Yes  
CG: THANK YOU.  
GA: Whatever For  
CG: BEING THERE FOR ME. YOU’RE A GREAT FRIEND AND YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME.  
CG: NOBODY BELIEVES IN ME LIKE YOU DO, AND EVEN THOUGH I’M A REAL JERK ABOUT IT, I REALLY APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO FOR ME.  
GA: Theres No Need To Thank Me  
GA: Im Only Giving You A Push In The Right Direction  
CG: WELL, EITHER WAY.  
CG: THANKS.  
GA: Of Course And Good Luck  
CG: BYE, KANAYA.  
CG: <>

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

GA: Oh My  
GA: ...  
GA: <>

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You push back from your husktop, spinning around a little bit in your chair with an aggravated sigh. You should be used to the feeling of frustration by now, but this is different. As much as you hate to admit it, this is all new territory for you. Sure, you're pretty decent at helping your friends with their shitty relationship problems and you undoubtedly have an incredibly informed understanding of quadrants, but when it comes to your own romantic life, you can't seem to get your head out of your nook and make it work. 

"Son of a fuck."

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are excruciatingly, alarmingly head over heels for Dave fucking Strider.

It's sort of embarrassing, if you're gonna be honest. Because as flushed as your feelings seem to be towards him, Strider is just... well. He's _weird_. And yeah, okay, maybe that's a bit rich coming from you, the guy who's foot is practically halfway down his own throat anytime he says anything ever, but Strider is a whole different breed when it comes to peculiarity. 

He's just a strange kid. He doesn't quit talk as much or as loud as you do, but an outrageous amount of incomprehensible crap flies out of his mouth and past his obnoxious coolkid facade. Between the absurd metaphors that shoot past his lips _(stop thinking about his lips, Karkat)_ at breakneck speed and the wall he's so clearly built up around himself, you don't understand half of what he says, and the other half is just inane garbage that makes you want to rip your hair out and stomp your feet, which—yes—you've done before, but you're not exactly in the mood to reminisce, so you're going to pretend you know how to act your age.

Oh, who are you kidding? Sure, Strider's a fucking weirdo (who the fuck wears sunglasses inside), but you've got no chance with him. For all his abnormalities, at the end of day he's still Dave Strider, and you're still Karkat Vantas.

The thought is like a sword plunging into your chest. You try to run a hand through your hair, but end up getting your fingers tangled in a particularly large knot. 

Dave is cool and collected all the time, whereas you're... not. 

You're emotional, volatile, and you're _so_ touchy. Anything could set you off, and once you've begun your childish rampage, nothing can stop you. So now that you think about it, maybe your crush on Strider isn't embarrassing because of _his_ shortcomings. Maybe it's embarrassing because of _yours._

The sword in your chest twists painfully.

You're just about to settle into a nice, peaceful self-deprecatory episode when you hear a knock on your door. 

"Fuck's sake," you mutter, glaring daggers at the door, but getting up anyways. "Who's there?" You shout, certain that whoever disturbed your peace could hear you.

There's a silence on the other side of the door for just a few moments too long, and you roll your eyes.

"Gamzee, if that's you, then do us both a favor and go fondle your stupid fucking horns in the vents. I'm not interested," you gripe, exasperated, only to be met with another silence. 

You inhale deeply through your nose before violently swinging your door open, eyes flashing with poorly concealed irateness. 

"What the fuck do you wa-" startled, you cut off mid-sentence with a yelp when you come face to face with Dave, who seems equally as startled.

For a moment, you're both too shocked to say anything, but he recovers before you— _of course_ , you think, barely concealing an eye roll—and pushes his shades higher up on his nose. It was a movement you found inexplicably aggravating, and your vision darkens. You’re momentarily dazed and unsure if you want to punch him or kiss him.

A bit stunned, you shake your head as if that will clear out all thoughts of kismesissitude—that isn’t what you’re interested in—and fix Strider with what you hope is a withering glare despite having to look up at him.

"What do you want," you say flatly after clearing your throat.

He stares back at you with what is almost certainly a level expression but says nothing, and the now heavy silence is starting to make you feel uncomfortably warm. You feel a bit like you’re under a microscope, and that feeling has never exactly been compatible with you, for reasons that should be obvious. 

You sigh. “Well?” You snap, already fed up with Strider’s fuckery. “Are you just going to stand there? Say something, idiot!”

Dave finally seems to register that you were indeed speaking to him, and he buries a hand in his hair nonchalantly, though you didn’t miss the anxious bob in his throat, a clear sign of nervousness. 

“Bro chill,” he says coolly, and you open your mouth to unleash all the wrath of Alternia onto him, but before you can say anything he hurriedly corrects his mistake. “Okay, okay. Look, Karkat. I’m... sorry, alright? I really am. I’m a dick, I know. I’m just shit at opening up and talking to people and being real with emotions and shit, y’know? Like, fuck emotions, right? Who needs ‘em? Not me, that’s who. I’m cool. Too cool for... uh, that. Yeah.” 

You stare at him in disbelief as his rambling slows, stalls, and sputters out. You’re honestly not quite sure what just happened. What you do know is that Dave looks uncharacteristically nervous, which is odd. As you watch him fidgeting awkwardly, you decide that you can’t remember ever seeing him behave like this. 

Before your better judgment swoops in to stop you from doing something that will undoubtedly end up being an incredibly stupid and ill advised decision, you sigh and raise an eyebrow. “Do you want to come in?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i know i said this was gonna be 3 chapters & that this was gonna be some long as fuck conclusion chapter, but it was gonna end up being WAY longer than i wanted it to be & it gave me a headache just thinking about it so i had to split it up lmao. but yeah, the final chapter should be up a lot quicker than this one was. 
> 
> thx ily


	4. any chance you had at playing it cool has performed a rather impressive acrobatic maneuver out the window and into the deafeningly silent vacuum of paradox space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rewrote this chapter so many times because i just kept losing motivation and school honestly really kicked my ass. i failed 3 classes so now i have to take out extra student loans so i can make up for the credits i'm now missing which sucks LMFAO :| buuuuuuutttt, i had a pretty good break from school and i finally finished this fic and started work on two more, a short one and a longer one and i'm getting my shit together with school and all that so. :) 
> 
> anyways, thanks for everyone who read the first 3 chapters and gave kudos, it really means a lot to me. this chapter isn't everything i would have liked it to be (it's also SHORT), but i felt like i had to finish it, so here it is.

You didn't think you'd get this far, to be honest. The only reason you’d _actually_ gone through with showing up at Karkat’s door like some sort of pizza delivery kid, first day on the job, all nervous and sweating, asking if he had the right address, was because you sort of assumed that Karkat would just tell you to go fuck yourself and that that’d be the closure you’re looking for, in the form of a classic Vantas “fuck you”. Pretty understandably, you’d say, you had kinda just figured that there was no way in hell Karkat would be in the mood to talk to you right now. Or ever again, for that matter. 

You'll be the first to admit that you’re kind of a dick to pretty much everyone you know. But for some reason whenever you're around Karkat it's like the line between “sort of crass but still passable as ironic, stupid humor” and “let me shove my entire fucking foot in my mouth and say some really fucked up things about you as a person” just vanishes. Sure, you’ve been known to say some pretty incriminating, idiotic stuff when you’re with Rose, but no matter how embarrassing those minor fuck-ups are for everyone involved, they’re harmless. But with Karkat, it’s repeated jabs at his insecurities and low blows that are obviously way too personal and obviously hit way too close to home to even be considered to be relatively funny.

You’re a jackass. 

So when Karkat invites you into his room, you're shocked, and for a moment you can do little more than stare at him, mouth hanging slightly open in disbelief. There goes your plan to avoid the embarrassment that is going to be the conversation you’re about to have. You almost wish he’d just lay into you already. You- wait, shit. No, not like that. Er, well… 

_NO._

Fuck, whatever. You guess this means you’re going to have to actually go through with this.

"Hello? Dave…? Shithole meteor speeding through space to resident ugly-pajama-wearing-idiot? ….Hey!” Karkat waves a hand in front of your face. The sudden increase in volume of his voice startles you out of your thoughts and you can feel your ears beginning to heat up as you begrudgingly meet his gaze.

You avert your eyes quickly, not that he would even be able to see. You trust that your shades are hiding your embarrassment, but God this is still so fucking humiliating. You’re making yourself look like a total idiot and... oh for fuck’s sake, now he's staring. Shit, he looks worried. Of-fucking-course he looks worried, you idiot! He probably thinks he did something wrong. Oh God oh fuck, you need to do something smart, maybe say something witty before he actually does tell you to get lost.

"Uh.”

You idiot.

Well, this is it for you. This is the end of the line. The line being your life. You’re over, you’re done for. There’s no possible way that you’ll ever be able to come back from the embarrassment you’re suffering from this trainwreck of a conversation. 

Karkat blinks at you. "Riiight," he says slowly before opening his door a little wider and gesturing towards the room behind him awkwardly. “Look, do you want to come in or not? I don't have all day." The usual cranky edge returns to his voice, but he still looks as flustered and awkward as you feel, and you snap out of whatever stupor you were caught in. 

Time to be the cool guy.

"Oh. Uh, yeah! I mean... shit. Sure, whatever. Cool, no big deal." You follow him into his room, grateful that you don't trip over yourself or your ~~dumb fucking~~ cool as shit cape in the process. Nice. You're doing great. Just keep playing it cool. "Dude what the fuck is that thing?" 

Karkat turns to see what you're pointing at and sighs, crinkling his nose and squeezing his eyes shut as if you had just asked him what your own name is, or something of equal idiocy.

Well. There goes playing it cool. And you thought it was a genuinely good question, too.

"That," Karkat says flatly, "is a recuperacoon. Like one of your human Earth beds, but infinitely more comfortable." He fixes you with a level gaze and raises an eyebrow. "You've really never seen one before?"

You shake your head, opting to stay silent instead of making yourself look like an even bigger dumbass. It looks like any chance you had at playing it cool has performed a rather impressive acrobatic maneuver out the window and into the deafeningly silent vacuum of paradox space, so you might as well learn about Karkat’s weird Alternian shit while you’re riding the embarrassment wave into the next session.

Karkat sighs again, but his tightly scrunched face has relaxed a little and his shoulders seem fractionally less tense, which you decide to take as a good side. That might be a bit presumptuous of you, but hey, it’s your alien crush that hates your guts. You'll take what you can get. "Recup... recupa.. cocoon...?" You wince a little at Karkat's pained expression. Okay, yeah. You definitely butchered that pronunciation. "Er, what was it again?" You ask, trying not to sound too hopeful.

"A recuperacoon," Karkat says again, slower, but this time the corner of his lip twitches in what was almost the beginning of a smile, and although it's gone in an instant, replaced by his trademark scowl, your confidence soars. Seeing even a tiny sliver of happiness in Karkat is like a drug. It’s like your own personal little boost in faith that the world. and produce good things. His smile, as rare as it is, never fails to give you butterflies and his loud, grating laugh is infectious. Not just because it's fucking hilarious to listen to, which it is, but because it's like an immediate little shot of serotonin straight to your brain. When Karkat's happy, you're happy. 

You only wish he was happy more.

His smile is long gone now, replaced by that typical scowl of his, but you still grin back at him, trying to ignore how dopey he probably thinks you look.

"I just told you, dipshit. It's like a bed, but for trolls." He shakes his head a bit, and your eyes zero in on his thick hair. "I don't know why I even bother. You're hopeless," he sighs, but you can hear the faint amusement in his voice. You can tell that his smile is threatening to return, so you know he isn't actually pissed. 

Eyes still focused on the top of his head, all of a sudden you realize that you've never actually felt his hair before. You wonder what it feels like. It looks soft, kind of like a cat's fur, so you guess it could be soft. Or since it’s so thick curly, maybe it's coarse, like a lamb's wool. It does seem like it tangles pretty easily, so it could be. Either way, you kind of want to touch it. You want to find out.

Without thinking, you stretch your hand out, and your fingertips just barely graze a stray tuft of Karkat's hair before you realize what you're doing and yank your arm back. Your gaze drops to the ground and you feel your face burn with shame. Fuck! How could you be so stupid? What's wrong with you? He's gonna be pissed now for real. You're lucky he didn't bite your hand off or something. 

You wait for what seems like an eternity, expecting him to chew you out, but after a while when he still hasn’t said anything, you slowly lift your head to look at him. He's got a faraway look in his eyes, confusion and… something else that you can’t place written all over his features. He opens his mouth, presumably about to say something, most likely he’s to tell you to go fuck yourself in about twenty-six different ways, each one more creative and vulgar than the last. You don’t wait long enough to find out.

"What?” You blurt, and your voice seems to break him out of whatever weird trance he was in. He snarls at you, a vibrant red creeping up his neck. 

"What do you mean _what_?” he snaps, "You’re the one who got all handsy with my fucking hair, you grubfisted sack of shit." 

You cringe. You're not sure how his voice was able to somehow get even louder towards the end of his little tantrum, but you decide that now is as good a time as any to acknowledge that there is likely no limit to Karkat's volume, nor will there ever be. 

"You're the one who was making goo-goo eyes at me, dude," you deadpan without missing a beat. When Karkat shrieks in opposition, you nod at the ground. "Look, I think you even drooled a little bit, man." 

Karkat immediately glances down at the ground and you laugh. You can’t help yourself. It’s probably not the best idea to further piss off the already terminally angry alien, but he just makes it _so_ easy.

One look at Karkat tells you that he's absolutely seething. 

"Oh, is that so? I’m making ridiculous goo-goo eyes at you? That’s funny to you? You think that’s funny? Well, I've got news for you, you half-baked idiot. That moronic shit that comes spewing out of your mouth on a daily basis? It’s not fucking funny. None of it is. We just put up with it because we can all see right past your shitty fucking facade. I mean, do you really think I was hatched yesterday? Do you think any of us on this shitlicking meteor were? We all see past your piece of shit glasses and your obnoxiously attractive lips that you insist on keeping pursed so tight, your entire face looks like it’s about to combust! We all know you aren't just some dumbass teenager with an infuriatingly stupid sense of humor and douchebag-extraordinaire attitude that is just oh so unaffected by every shitty thing that happens to him! But clearly, that's what _you_ think. I don't know if it's because of some serious self-esteem issues or if you're just forcing yourself to pretend you don't give a shit for some wholly inconceivable reason, but I _want_ to know! I want to help you, you dense pile of hoofbeast shit, but you won’t let me! I try to talk to you about what's going on, but you won't talk to me! You won't talk to anyone…” He’s silent for a while and then sighs. "I just want to help, but hey, fuck me, I guess."

You blink at him, shocked. Your mouth opens but no words come out. You close your mouth, swallow, and try again. "I mean if you want."

Karkat snarls and you hurry to redeem yourself. "I- that's not what I meant! Fuck, I'm sorry. I mean, shit, Karkat, what do you want me to say?" You exhale heavily, running a hand through your hair. "You lay all this heavy shit on me out of nowhere, and what? You expect me to drop to my ass and join in on your little feelings jam tea party? To expose all my feelings in some bullshit attempt to feel better? Is that what you expected? For me to hold your hand and sing kumbaya as we sit by a roaring fire and pretend like we aren't hurtling towards almost certain death, all so you could sift through my emotional baggage and we can talk about our feelings and cry?" 

As soon as the words leave your mouth, you know you fucked up and you steel yourself in preparation for the verbal onslaught you know is in store for you. 

"I don't know what I expected," he says, the bluntness of his reply cutting deep. You wince and reach out to him, unsure of what you're doing, but it doesn't really matter anyways. Karkat's face has hardened and he's already turning away. You watch, unable to say anything, as he stalks over to a pile of sweaters and rubber horns that resembles some sort of oversized, fucked up bird's nest. If you hadn't just royally fucked up any chance of friendship you could've had with him, you would've ribbed him for how weird it is, but instead you just stand there and watch as he buries himself into the makeshift nest. 

You stand perfectly still, staring out at the pile of laundry and horns that Karkat has burrowed into. You have no idea what to do. Karkat probably wants you gone, but you can't bring yourself to leave. Not yet. You refuse to leave things like this, so you keep standing for a moment, mulling over what you should do before walking cautiously over to Karkat's pile.

"Dude.”

Nothing.

“....Karkat…?”

Once again you’re met with silence, but you refuse to give up, so you sit down beside the pile and focus your gaze on the Karkat shaped lump of laundry. You stay quiet for a while, giving yourself time to think things over. 

“Look, Karkat, I think we need to talk, dude.” There’s no response, but Karkat shifts a little bit under his pile of laundry, and that’s enough for you to know he’s at least listening. “Like, really talk, y’know?”

“What is there to talk about?” His voice is a little muffled by all the shit he’s piled on top of himself and you smile, shaking your head in amusement.

“Well, you’re right, for one-”

“Of course I’m right, idiot,” Karkat interrupts, poking his head out from the nest.

You roll your eyes. “Okay, dude. Yeah. Whatever you say. Now shut up and listen.” 

Karkat shuts up and looks at you expectantly. You hold his gaze and take a deep breath before continuing. “Like I was saying, you were right. Your whole spiel about my shades, my humor, my coolkid act… you’re right, dude. It’s all pretty much just an act. Also, you called my lips obnoxiously attractive, but-”

“Shut up!”

You crack a smile. “The point is, you’re right. I do have some self-esteem issues and I do pretend not to give a shit about anything. I know you always just want to help me out, man, I get it. I do. It’s just…” you sigh and run a hand through your hair. “...it’s just that I… I don’t know, man. I guess I’m just scared,” you say and then laugh at the pathetic absurdity of it. You don’t need to look at Karkat to know he’s frowning at you, probably with a look of pity or sympathy. “You know my bro used to beat the shit out of me?” You ask, surprising yourself at how easy the words come out. Karkat inhales sharply, like he’s about to say something, but you keep going before he can get the chance. “The worst part is, I thought that shit was normal. Just some regular old sibling bonding, y’know what I mean?” You laugh without any real mirth to it. “Yeah. For some ridiculous, fucked up reason he called it ‘training’. I mean, I know now that the guy was probably out of his fucking mind all kinds of deranged, but he was still my bro. I don’t really care that he’s dead. Fuck him, right? But, like… shit, I don’t know. He was always so cool. So sure of himself. He knew who he was, and even though that ended up being a major asshole, at least he knew.” 

“Dave…”

You take a shaky breath. “Yeah. What’s up?”

“Dave, did he…. did your bro…” Karkat trails off and then seems to reconsider. “Why are you telling me this?”

Shit. Why _are_ you telling him this? It isn’t any of his business and the last thing you want is for him to pity you, to treat you like some wounded animal. 

“I don’t know, dude.” You swallow. “I guess I just… trust you? Look, I know how much of a dick I am to you sometimes, alright? And I wish I could take it all back, I really do, because it’s not you, man. You did nothing wrong. You’re such a good guy. I’m just…” 

Karkat arches an eyebrow, trying not to scoff. “Really? You’re giving me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ spiel right now?” 

“What?” You stare at him and shake your head. “ No, no, c’mon man you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Oh yeah? What’d you mean it like, then?” He challenges, staring directly into your shades. 

You stare back. “Okay, maybe-”

“Fuck you.”

“No! Just… would you just listen to me? Please?” You look at Karkat pleadingly, well aware how objectively uncool and pathetic you sound, but at the same time you also realize you don’t really care. Karkat is more important to you than your coolkid, no emotions, irony bullshit. 

Karkat seems to realize that you’re being genuine for once because his features soften and after a few moments of silence, he gives a little nod and folds his arms.  
You try not to sigh in relief. “Okay,” you say. “Here’s the thing. Like I said, I’m a raging asshole and nobody deserves to be treated the way I treat the people around me. Especially you, dude. I mean, I _like_ you, man. I actually like you and I like being your friend.”

“Then why do you treat me like such shit?” Karkat blurts out, interrupting you.

You fix him with a look. “Let me finish. Please.” 

Karkat shuts up so you take a deep breath and go on. “I guess at some point I realized that I sort of like you in a less than friendly, platonic sorta way. Like, in a gay way. And I guess I didn’t really know how to handle all that. I mean, how am I supposed to deal with the fact that I’m into a dude when for the majority of my life, the only parental guardian I had was so deeply embedded in his own personal world filled with toxic masculinity? Like, being gay doesn’t have anything to do with how manly or how masculine I am. I can like dudes and still be cool as fuck, you know?” You sigh. “I understand if you don’t feel the same way and I’m sorry if this is gonna royally fuck up any shred of friendship we could have possibly salvaged, but I just... I just needed you to know.” 

Neither of you say anything for a while and you’re starting to get nervous. You swallow, clear your throat, and open your mouth to say something only to close it again. Shit, are you sweating? You close your eyes and exhale through your nose. “Look, man, if you want me to go then that’s fine. It’s totally cool. I mean I was hoping to get some sort of reaction out of you, but if not then that’s cool too. It’s whatever, I really don’t mind-”

“You’re a piece of shit,” Karkat says, and you think your heart shatters. It feels as if you’ve been stabbed. 

“I know,” you whisper back.

“Shut up,” he says simply and you close your mouth immediately, anything else you were going to say dying on your tongue. “You’re a piece of shit,” he says again, “but for some wholly inconceivable and ridiculous reason, I like you too.” A small smile ghosts his lips. “In a gay way,” he adds.

It takes a while for your brain to catch up to what Karkat just said, and when it does, you don’t know if you’ve heard him right.

“You… you…. Huh?” 

Karkat rolls his eyes. “I said I like you too, idiot.”

 _Holy shit_ , you think. 

“Oh. That’s… cool.”  
Karkat smiles. You smile back. 

“Yeah,” he says, “it is pretty cool.”


End file.
